IN:
Books!
(Editing Jackson here. I revisited my previous posts and realized that e-books were at the top of my list last time. I guess I like books that much LMAO.)
Books are always in for me. I love reading. Duh, that’s why I’m so smart. I bought a Kindle in August, which I anticipated to be a kinda reckless purchase, but ended up loving it. Worth every penny. I got a refurbished 2019 model because I’m cheap, and it still works amazingly. Kindle Unlimited is worth it too, though I’m on the fence about continuing my subscription past the free trial. There are more good books than you think, but it’s still an extra expense I don’t think I need. The Libby app allows you to access a virtual library using your library card number and you can send your books straight to your Kindle. I read every day now. It’s a much better toilet-task than wasting $1.99 on gold bars for Candy Crush.
That became a Kindle review, but the point was mostly to say that reading is crucial to me. It feels particularly apt for the colder months because it seems like such a cozy activity. Tell me you haven’t seen a “fall aesthetic” post with a random book in it.
I’m currently reading But What If We’re Wrong? by Chuck Klosterman, Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury, and Belly of the Beast: The Politics of Anti-Fatness as Anti-Blackness by Da’Shaun Harrison. Yes, I’m one of those maniacs who reads multiple books at once.
Collars
I love collared shirts. Quarter zips, dresses, dress shirts, sweaters, crop tops, everything. Preppy and academia-inspired looks are my ish (I’m trying to cuss less). It’s a timeless style that instantly makes your outfit more formal. Collars make me look like I have my life together. I don’t! (I didn’t realize the sheer amount of collar-forward outfits I’ve worn throughout the years. Each outfit was so cute that I was unable to narrow it down. Consider this a gift for my mom so she doesn’t have to ask me for pictures of myself.)
Blue and brown together
I don’t have an explanation for this. I was just thinking recently about unique color combinations to experiment with, and that’s one I came up with and ended up loving. Then I saw powder blue (love) all over the runways this past fashion month, so I really think it’ll be in style next spring. I’m doing it now, however, to be ahead of the curve. My fashion instincts are always correct, so don’t question me.
Sneakers
I saw a video a few months ago about how sneakers with dresses/skirts will be a trend we look back on with embarrassment when we’re older. I couldn’t give a modicum of a fuck (I didn’t say I was good at cussing less). Sneakers are obviously timeless pieces, but I can see the sneaker-skirt combination fading out of popularity eventually. Not now, though. I adore the juxtaposition of something sporty with something feminine and flowy.
Skinny Jeans
This might be my most controversial opinion. I can’t help the fact that straight-leg jeans look terrible on me. Sure, I could get some tailored, but I’m not pressed enough about it. There’s lots of discourse at the moment over the fatphobic implications of the term “flattering”, and in this instance, I’m simply being shortphobic. Any time height has been brough up while I’m wearing straight-leg jeans, someone assumed I was 4’11” (though that’s not far off, I still need it to be known that my height starts with the number five). Skinny jeans can be styled well if you put your mind to it. Plus, it’s Christian Girl Autumn, and skinny jeans are a that-type-of-white-woman staple.
Lingerie
I want to enter my sexy era. I’m having a hard time, though, because I don’t like it when people are near me. Plus, I’m pretty booked and busy with the whole napping and online shopping thing. I’m girlbossing it up over here so hookups aren’t likely. I could try to pencil you in. Have your people contact my people.
Contrary to my incel-dom, I irresponsibly purchased a lacey Victoria’s Secret tank top in the most aggressive shade of orange there is. I don’t know if I like that shade of orange, but I love that I look good in orange as it’s one of the hardest colors to pull off. My styling idea is to layer a hoodie on top of it, leaving just a strap showing, which ironically, completely strips the garment of its sexiness.
Depop
The top I just discussed was from Depop. I love Depop. The “vintage Y2K rare deadstock $40 baby tee” stereotype gives Depop girlies a bad rap. I’m an expert Depop-user. I find all the accounts from rich chicks just trying to get rid of stuff; I find all the people who are too nice to decline my offers when I try to haggle down to a lower price. In fact, everyone’s nice now. Once it was widely known there were hella scammers, the sellers now are super communicative and ship crazy fast.
My favorite part is that I can buy cute clothes from problematic brands without supporting them directly. Hooray, secondhand Victoria’s Secret!
Daydreaming
Seasonal depression is right around the corner. I want to escape. Daydreaming is a writer’s second job, and it’s close to inspiring me to start writing stand up again. I have great bits in my head about why I want reverse racism to be real and the fact that I think I would be a cute furry.
Modern and Contemporary art
I’m forever exhausted with people saying they don’t understand modern art or that “anyone can do it.” Do it, then. Why does being “low effort” equate to low quality? Have you even tried to find meaning in the pieces you’re judging? I find it incredible that artists are able to create evocative images out of limited details.
Mark Rothko is such a basic example that it makes me feel pseudo-pretentious to the max. Still, his popularity makes him easy to discuss. Rothko’s final painting, Untitled (1970), looks like basic red squares over a lighter red background. But it becomes a lot more meaningful when you find out the context that it was his final work, and was found feet away from where he committed suicide. Then when you look at it, it’s like…woah…
High up on my TBR (To Be Read) list is Pictures and Tears: A History of People who have Cried in Front of Paintings by James Elkins, and from what I hear, it discusses Rothko’s ability to make people emotional. I’m so excited to finish my current reads to get to it. There’s a free PDF online. I would love the physical book because it just feels like something you’d want a physical copy of, but it’s so pricey it’s not even fair.
Lapse
Lapse is a new app that all the cool kids are on. We’re posting cat photos.
I’ve Had It might be the best podcast I’ve ever listened to. Hostesses Jennifer Welch and Angie “Pumps” Sullivan were once stars of the short-lived reality show, Sweet Home Oklahoma. I’ve never heard of it in my life. I found these ladies because they’ve had a few RuPaul’s Drag Race alum and fell in freaking love. They simply talk about things they’ve had it with. Their no-fucks given attitude and chemistry from 20 years of friendship has me obsessed. By the time an episode is over, I don’t even realize it had been an hour. I also think it’s awesome that they look like the typical conservative WASPs, yet are super liberal. They. Are. It.
Seltzers
Drinking beer as a fem-presenting person is hell on earth. Unfortunately, it’s still not normalized at all. The sound of a woman cracking open a cold one is a siren that alerts everyone that this chick is not like other girls. I’ve never had one without someone commenting, “woah, you’re a beer girl!” Therefore, I’ve simply stopped drinking it. This phenomenon has infected the ladies as well—I’ve heard plenty of conversations between girls about how they’re so different for liking wheat soda.
I’m done pretending like seltzers are for wimps. It’s almost vital to have a drink with a lower alcohol percentage so you can pace yourself between shots. And some don’t taste terrible! Some.
Phone games
For when I forget to bring my Kindle to the shitter.
The way stan accounts use AI
Icon and internet sensation, Blizzy McGuire, recently posted a series of AI art, including one of Sonic the Hedgehog on a date with Nicki Minaj. That was the first time I’ve ever seen AI as an art. Blizzy is a genius. (She also originated the Christian Girl Autumn meme.)
The algorithm is smart and stupid, so liking Blizzy’s posts resulted in constant manufactured photos on my explore page. I recently saw one of Lana Del Rey winning a Grammy. It’s so funny that that’s how rabid fans are. Y’all are crazy. I need more.
Writing down every thought
I remember everything because my notes app is my bestie.
“Film bro” movies
I hate that male film bros are right. I love Quentin Tarantino and David Fincher. Even my hater mentality can’t deny that their films are some heat. I’m tired of being ashamed, yet it haunts me that people know me as someone who’s into movies. I even say “movies” instead of “films” at times, so I don’t seem annoying.
Gaining weight
Trying to convince myself that I’m not bothered by it. It’s such a stupid thing to be concerned with when I have actual problems in my life. Even worse than my own insecurities is the fact that my favorite thirst-follows are losing their booties. I’m not entitled to their bodies, but damn. I’m not gonna lie, I’m sad fr.
Ancient Greece
I would love to quiz someone on what they actually know about Ancient Rome. If you need any more proof that I’m a pretentious asshole, here it is. I just don’t believe that all the people who post about Ancient Rome know very much about it. If they were well-versed in Ancient Western civilizations, they would realize how much cooler Ancient Greece was.
For example: the Greeks loved butt stuff. I mean, the term “going Greek” is a euphemism for taking it up the stinker. Part of why olive oil was so popular there is because of its use as a lubricant. Men did the dirty with other men all the time, regardless of sexuality. Sometimes desperate times came to desperate measures. Further, Spartan soldiers were encouraged to find male lovers to boost morale and give them something to fight for. If you don’t believe me, read Song of Achilles and get back to me.
More importantly—or less importantly depending on how much you like anal—they basically invented philosophy and democracy. Isn’t that so cool? Don’t get me wrong, the sheer size of the Roman Empire and the story of Julius Caesar are dope, but I find myself drawn to Greece a bit more.
OUTS:
Renaissance Festivals
I wasn’t sure where to put this. It’s both an in and an out. Now, Ren Faires are rife with beautiful alternative women, but I still can’t shake the image of the stereotypical attendees. I just know if I went, I would find someone who’s going method and would comment about how I’m from foreign lands or some nerd shit. I bet they have a dorky word for nigger that I’ve never even heard. Facing racist remarks from someone in chainmail drag would be so embarrassing. Like, if we’re discriminating against people for their appearance, I have a few notes.
Illness
I recently had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. Absolute hell.
Marvel
I can’t get myself to watch the new season of Loki despite the good reviews. I’m told it’s more pretentious, so I’d like it. I’ll probably hate it. Kidding. I liked the first season. I’m just not sure if I need more. The movies fell off hard, and I’m getting into Batman comics right now, which are way cooler than Marvel comics. Sorry!
Dresses
I feel like the ladies are in pants now. My wardrobe contains at least 10 dresses, with one even being my “lounge” dress; I wear them all the time as a chronic over-dresser. Therefore, it’s a big deal if I say dresses are out. I’ll continue to wear them because screw what’s trendy. I’m just noticing a lot more masculine inspiration on recent runways as well as the ‘gram. It seems like a direct response to the overly feminine trends that are happening. The “blokette” aesthetic has recently been on the rise, with the name being a portmanteau of “coquette” and “bloke” (probably my least favorite British word). The style adds some boyish elements to an otherwise ballerina-esque vibe. This will likely be as short-lived as every trend in the internet age. Yet, I need to put the ideas out there so everyone will know I was right.
Influencers
So obnoxious. I am violently sick and tired of people posting in their Calabasas penthouses about how scared they are about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I’m over the way they think their opinions are important. It’s important to spread awareness, yes, but if I see another lukewarm take on someone’s Instagram story, I’m gonna cause a Jacksoni-Influencian conflict. I’m considering making my next post about when we should speak up and when not to, but I need to cook.
Here is a Google Doc with resources. I feel horrible that I forgot where I found it.
Calling yourself an It Girl
Alexa Demie doesn’t announce to the world that she’s an It Girl. She just is. Calling yourself one takes all the coolness away. Even calling yourself cool is the least cool thing a person can do. Don’t come for me for having a top that says “COOL GIRL” because I’m well aware that I’m not one.
Overly floral perfumes
I need to know why older ladies are attracted to scents that smell like a bouquet that got trapped in a couch. Is it a generational thing, or will we love smelling like that in decades to come? It’s funny to think of an elderly person smelling like Ariana Grande Cloud (amazing fragrance) or Glossier You.
This had to make my list since our devices are all listening to us and I need Ipsy to know not to send me Eau de Bingo Night next month.
Self-infantilization
“Girl dinner” and “___girl” need to go expeditiously. I’m sorry you miss your childhood, but you are not a girl at 23. You can be an adult who has stuffed animals and flowy dresses. It’s okay, I promise. I know it’s all in good fun—I literally just said I bought a “COOL GIRL” top—but there’s a large crowd who seem to be genuinely suffering from some kind of feminized Peter Pan Syndrome.
Maybe my disdain for a trend that is mostly harmless stems from the fact that I look comically young for my age. To the point to where older/unfiltered customers who see me at my job have asked if I was old enough to work there. They think I’m under sixteen. I’d much rather be seen as a woman than a girl (though my complicated relationship with gender makes me weird about both).
Labels
My militia of mental health professionals have told me to give up on labels. It’s so fricken hard. Discovering one’s queerness in the height of Tumblr’s MOGAI labels means being hard-wired to be constantly searching for a box to put yourself in. That’s not to say the internet “groomed” me into different identities; I think it’s helpful to know all the options of what you could identify as. But to be honest, I’ve always been confused with myself, and I think the Tumblr programming in my system led to me jumping the gun with coming out as something when I should have thought more about it. It’s hard to sit with the discomfort that comes from questioning one’s gender or sexuality. I’m trying to learn to sit with it. Part of me is accepting I’ll never stop questioning and that’s just who I am.
So, I’m trying to do the “no labels” thing, and it’s killing me. I criticized Harry Styles for so long just for Harry Styles to be within me all along. Some of the most annoying people you will ever encounter are “no labels” people. I can just picture the Whole Foods ass hipster smoking an American Spirit and claiming that they’re attracted to intelligence right before saying gentrification is okay because they love the new smoothie place around the corner. I guess I’ll drink up.
Managers
Anyone in a managerial position at your job is the enemy. Even if you like them, you must be on high alert. Once during training, I asked a manager where the pink lemonade was in the register system as I was ringing someone up, and she said, “we don’t have pink lemonade, we have strawberry lemonade.”
I want so badly to prove how much of a danger I am to myself and others.
Pumpkin spice things that aren’t coffee
Pumpkin spice lattes are finally growing on me after having one a year solely to get upset that I spent the money on a drink I barely like. The exposure therapy worked. It is by no means my go-to drink, but it’s the only thing getting me in the fall spirit. Something that makes me want to revoke said spirit is the ridiculous number of things that think they need to make their own versions. I’m sorry—if you try to step to coffee, chances are you’re losing. Budlight has a pumpkin spice seltzer. Why couldn’t Dylan Mulvaney have appeared in a commercial for Smirnoff Ice Lemonades? It’s so hard to be an ally sometimes. Dude Wipes have DUMPkin spice scented wipes for your derriere. Come on. Capitalism is a plague.
Family vloggers
Hopefully the Ruby Franke/8 Passengers case will show everyone how messed up the world of family influencers is. Though I’m not a parent, I can’t imagine putting my kids in front of a camera to profit off their most personal moments, and, let’s face it, expose them to predators. It’s crazy. Half of their kids aren’t even that cute. Blonde children scare me. I’m also afraid of those huge penthouses that influencers buy with high impossibly high ceilings, all-marble everything, and windows that take up a whole wall. It just seems like a place I could get murdered in.
When I have kids, I’m totally putting emojis on their faces in my posts. But I’ll still post to show everyone that I’m a hot but responsible MILF. I’m totally adopting the mom selfie angle. It seems to be part of the job description.
That’s it for my fall predictions. I’m a genius. Thank you.