Long time, no post. I have some things in the works, but I currently have a more pressing issue. An issue that presidents and Nobel prize winners alike have wracked their brains with for years, with no clear-cut conclusion in sight. So today we ask ourselves: what do you do when your Instagram caption is too long?
The answer is to make a Substack post. For context, since I was a sophomore in high school, I’ve been posting bullet points of random jokes and pop culture opinions to a private Instagram account. Here’s me going public with my hysterics from the past 10 days.
- Only children be like, “yeah, my parents and I went to Atlantis :/ ugh, they’re so annoying.”
- The KarJenners have done a LOT of bad shit but I guarantee the majority of their more passionate haters are just misogynists.
- I’ve heard far more about their looks/bodies than I have about the cultural appropriation, business scams, exposing their young children to fame, etc etc etc. And the wildest part about making fun of their appearances is the fact that they look damn good!
- Not to brag about how boring I am, but golden age musicals over contemporary, modern and contemporary art movements are superior to classical and romantic, non-fiction is better than fiction, and drama is better than any other film genre.
- TERFs (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists) always think trans men are “abandoning” lesbians. I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but what the fuck do we have to miss about Elliot Page?
- We should trap all the R&B artists in a age and only let them out if they promise not to transition to a more pop-leaning sound once they’re mainstream (I’m thinking of three letters…)
- Maybe I’m on Instagram too much, but it truly seems like every person with even an ounce of money is trying to get as thin as possible lately. Even the plus-size models I follow! It’s a little scary.
- We’re getting thick this summer. Not solely because I’m trying to gaslight myself out of another relapse, but because I’m ahead of every trend and I know in a few years everyone’s gonna be sick of the heroin chic look. Or rather, sick of paying over a thousand per month for Ozempic.
- I hate Emma Chamberlain’s new style. So boring. Honestly, I hate most of the trends we have now. The Bayonetta glasses should only be worn by Bayonetta herself and people that got bullied in school for looking like that.
- The “where’s my vape” fear is scary, yes, but “where’s the pen I was just writing with” will make you turn to war crimes.
- I go crazy but I also go crazy if that makes sense.
- Someone please place bets on our All Stars 8 predictions!
- Couples that don’t match at costume parties…just break up omg it’s over.
- I want to be in an open relationship so I can set all their side hoes on fire.
- Congrats to the grads of the world! Can’t wait to join you in 2040 😊
- Getting my PhD in 2070
- *me as president* sooo as much as I love the simplicity of @potus, I think @jacksonjacksout_ is more my brand.
- First act as prez is holding The Zuck hostage until he lets me back into my old account.
- We need literacy tests for social media. Preferably not as racist as the ones formerly used for voting, but honestly, at this point…
- I could never date a granola girl. I’ll never be enough. These bitches want 20-step vegan recipes and mountain-climbing dates. I’m just personally on, like, a candy and bedtime vibe. You know what I mean?
- So over past lives. I’m planning for the future. I definitely need to be a Bama sorority girl. The first man to have a biological child with AI. Millie Bobby Brown’s nepo baby who inherited her homophobia.
- 2019 was probably the best year of my life and I was still so miserable that I had to start medication.
- I want to see Paramore because I need to go to a concert with Black people in the audience. No hate to Tyler, but his fanbase looks like his ex-boyfriends.
- My eating disorder gets a point on the scoreboard whenever I start a new job and they tell me they don’t have any shirts small enough for me.
- I want to go on a cruise with someone I hate and throw their Elf Bar into the ocean. I’m nauseous even thinking about being on a boat, but it’s still worth it.
- I hate being short and I hate having a baby face! Within my first half hour at a new job, a coworker said, unprovoked, “you said you were 20 earlier, right? I’m so shocked, like you honestly look no older than 15.” Sir, we don’t know each other.
- Everyone’s like, “being tall sucks” and “at least you’ll look 25 when you’re 30!” Well, that would be comforting if in the meantime I didn’t have to deal with not being taken seriously whatsoever. I’ll never go on one of the big fair rides again because I have beef with that stupid fucking five foot stick. Short ass stick!
- Jayden/Jaiden is the most biracial name there is.
- There were these girls I used to be so jealous of until I heard them say they don’t wash their hands after they pee. My whole world changed.
- The baddest bitches with the most enviable lives have filthy, bacteria-laden hands. Plus, that admission during the pandemic is wild beyond belief.
- Sorry to those who are jealous of me; I unfortunately do wash my hands. I can’t help being perfect!
I hope you enjoyed. I love making these for some reason, so you better love reading them before I reach through this screen. Okay, that’s it, bye!