The Playlist of My Life

Soon I'll be trying ASMR and answering the web's most searched questions about me.

It’s no secret that our culture is celebrity obsessed. We consume their work, copy their style, and most importantly, watch them in stupid YouTube videos from various publications that no one actually reads anymore. From reading hate comments to guessing which foods are more expensive, it’s all the most mindless fun you can have on YouTube. I daydream about it all the time. Come on, it’s a human level of narcissism. Many of us daydream about being famous. Plus, I would be so good at it. I’m sure I’d have something witty to say in response to my hate comments or while answering 73 questions (specific ass number). The most enviable of all, in my opinion, are Teen Vogue’s “Playlist of My Life” series. So here’s my version, but longer and less interesting because I’m not famous (yet) and I don’t know when to shut up.

No One – Alicia Keys

This was my mom and I’s song when I was little. Will forever be a fan. I admire Keys’ bravery in forgoing makeup, sticking simply to the most expensive facial treatments known to mankind. A true natural beauty.

Pretty Girl Rock – Keri Hilson

Yet another song my mom imposed on me. It’s obvious why. I remember thinking even then that the song was just okay despite how applicable it was.

Lovely Day – Bill Withers

“Lovely Day” is my dad and I’s “No One.” Bill Withers noticed my dad on Facebook, which I think is one of his greatest accomplishments.

Happy Birthday, Lisa – The Simpsons

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a massive fan of The Simpsons. I remember being a kid and renting Simpsons DVDs from the library and watching them with my younger brother, laughing despite not understanding a lick of the dated political satire. I waited so so anxiously to turn eight and celebrate my Lisa Simpson year.

Umbrella – Rihanna

It was a good day if I caught this on the radio. I have one specific memory of me as a kid with this song playing in the car, and it was raining. Oh my God. Just like Rihanna said!!!!!

Yeah! – Usher (feat. Lil Jon & Ludacris)

Another “I’m a kid in the car and this is playing on the radio” memory. I feel bad for kids of today that’ll have to look back fondly on DaBaby songs or whatever. I honestly forgot I was into this as a kid, but I listen to it on repeat these days. Something about it scratches a good itch in my brain.

Live and Let Die – Paul McCartney

It should be any artist’s dream to have their song featured in the Shrek franchise. Every single one rings a mental bell that reminds you, ”oh, hey, this song is in Shrek.” “Live and Let Die” played during the King Harold’s tonally confusing death scene in Shrek the Third (2007), making it one of my top picks when my uncle asked for songs to put on a CD he was going to burn.

Bennie and the Jets – Elton John

This was another pick from my uncle’s CDs. I saw Elton John live last year, and dude’s still got it!

Cool Kitty – Class of 3000

Class of 3000 is a show so few people have heard of that it makes me question whether it was real or not. It’s very real, it just made so little money that Cartoon Network legally can’t air it anymore. In the show, Andre 3000 plays a music teacher with a class of kooky kids with their own respective instruments. What made it stand out was the fact that each episode had a new song written by Andre 3000 himself, and a new animation style for each musical number. In other words: it was incredibly expensive. So expensive that it ended after two seasons, with its cancellation sandwiched between an Emmy win and a lawsuit.

“Cool Kitty” is from an episode where the guitarist, Tamika, joins the clique of popular girls. It just reminds me of being a kid in the 2000s and fantasizing about being that “it girl” no matter how many pairs of jelly sandals it’d take to get there.

I had the soundtrack on CD and I distinctly remember reaching over the couch for my paperback copy of Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw when I bumped the CD over and it shattered. My life hasn’t been the same since.

So Fresh, So Clean – Outkast

Speaking of Andre 3000! My mom used to sing this while bathing us as kids. That’s it lmao sorry I don’t have anything that profound to say.

I Don’t Want To Go To School – Naked Brothers Band

The Naked Brothers Band was mad underrated. One time I suggested it to a group who hadn’t heard of it, and proceeded to “ew” at me for watching a show about naked brothers. “Ew” yourself! I think I like Alex Wolff more in this than Hereditary (2018).

Motownphilly – Boyz II Men

Every bad bitch had a random dance or gymnastics phase as a kid. I don’t make the rules. Though I did ballet as a toddler, my first real performance was to “Motownphilly” along with my hip-hop group. The costumes were ugly and I still hate to this day that I’m so short I have to be in the front for photos and performances. I wonder if I should take up dance again but then I think about Black Swan (2010) and stop wondering.

A Year Without Rain – Selena Gomez & The Scene

A Year Without Rain was one of the first CDs I ever had, and better yet, it accompanied a shiny new CD player. Santa Claus W. Most of the CDs I had seen were cozied up behind a plastic sleeve in my parent’s case, but this one was brand spanking new. I was enamored with the little papers in it with the tracklist and song lyrics. Not to mention the photo of my first celebrity crush staring back at me.

I had friends who took dance classes too, so of course we spent hours and hours choreographing numbers to songs from the album. Well, I did a lot more frantic following and panting than I did choreographing, but you get the idea.

Til I Forget About You – Big Time Rush

Big Time Rush was my first concert. Everything worked out perfectly, which never happens to me; two people couldn’t go with the group my friends were putting together, so my mom and I got the invite; an employee asked if we had less than nine people, and we had seven, so we got moved to closer seats right up front; at the very end, a kind stranger helped me get to the front so I could touch James’ hand. We touched. True story.

I have a vivid memory of staring at my hand as I slowly and shakily moved it toward the sink to wash the James off of me. Everyone who had a boy band phase knows what I’m talking about.

Romeo & Juliet vs Bonnie & Clyde – ERB

I can’t think of a better series on the internet than Epic Rap Battles of History. Yeah, it’s corny stuff, but their value goes beyond the rapping. There’s the historical references, the acting, the video editing, the direction…yes, I’ve even managed to be pretentious about Epic Rap Battles of History. I can’t help being able to recognize genius.

While there’s currently about one rap battle a year, the first half of season four was released on a weekly basis. It was my duty to memorize each one by the time the next one came out. Why? Who knows. I had studied my ass off to get “Ghostbusters Vs Mythbusters” committed to memory, then promptly forgot about the whole debacle when the next Friday was a snow day.

I spent the day at my friend’s house, as she lived in a proper neighborhood and I lived in the middle of nowhere. I threw snowballs at anyone and everyone who was outside, ‘cause these ain’t my neighbors! After coming inside to keep from turning into a middle-schooler-flavored popcicle, we turned to her family computer to watch YouTube. And there was the newest Epic Rap Battle, uploaded a mere half hour prior. We freaked out and watched it probably a zillion times.

I love when they get guest stars in the rap battles, and Hannah Hart and Grace Helbig kill it. Helbig in particular made a spectacular Juliet. Praying for her on her cancer journey!! :(

Action Cat – Gerard Way

I had a wannabe emo phase, a common side effect to having a Tumblr account. I didn’t have the means or confidence to dress the part, so I stuck to simply brooding to pop punk.

My nerdy brothers wanted Funko Pops one day, meaning we’d have to venture to Hot Topic, the scariest store in the mall behind Claire’s. Immediately upon entry, this song was playing, a song I knew, validating my innermost emo-dom.

We Are the Crystal Gems – Steven Universe Cast

Another side effect of having a Tumblr account is being a Steven Universe fan. I actually think I watched the show first. Maybe. It’s a real chicken and egg dilemma. Steven Universe is dunked on a lot online these days, and don’t get me wrong, many parts of this series are genuinely horrible. Even at the time I knew the pacing was atrocious. They would do week-long “Steven Bombs” where a new episode would drop daily, then take months-long breaks, only to return with a shitty filler episode about the townies. Meanwhile there’s a personified engagement ring tryna kill people. You just had to be there.

You gotta give them credit, though: the songs slap. The theme song was always a banger, but there was one fateful Comic Con where they played the extended version. I endlessly replayed that shaky recording with often-inaudible lyrics because of the crowd’s cheers. You just had to be there!!!!

Jump, Jive, an’ Wail – Louis Prima

This was my favorite song we sang in middle school choir. No one else liked it. I don’t even think the director did.

The Room Where It Happens – Hamilton Original Cast

We’re past the point of making fun of having a Hamilton phase. It was fucking cool at the time. It’s so Obama administration core. Liberal in that the cast is diverse, but not actually addressing the real issues since it doesn’t acknowledge them niggas was slave owners. Much to think about. But you were always the coolest of the theater kids if you could rap “Guns and Ships”.

My grandma was obsessed with it. Like, obsessed. This was one of her favorites, and she went wild when I sang it for her one time. :,)

Miserable America – Kevin Abstract

A fucking bop. It was the outro to some videos during my short-lived, Emma Chamberlain rip-off of a YouTube career. My favorite one was “A WEEK IN THE LIFE OF A HIGH SCHOOLER”. It’s kinda cringe but my friends and I all had fun doing it. The math class scene is the best part. “Look at that baby, isn’t he cute?” “(laughing) Who’s baby is that?” “They just took him, I don’t know.”

I Ain’t Got Time! – Tyler, the Creator

This is in my top three Tyler tracks, no contest. Incoming freshman me was so hyped for the Flower Boy era, and was such a dick-riding dweeb that I ignored the leaks out of respect for Tyler. I actually want to throw up. Anyways, the whole album is amazing despite the fact that today it ranks much lower amongst my album ranking as more have dropped and I’ve relistened to a lot of his older stuff.

I used to play this at an exact time in study hall so my favorite part would hit once I got to Honors Algebra II, thinking it would make me better at my worst subject. It’s been my academic achievement anthem ever since. And even better, it’s been my top song on Spotify Wrapped since it dropped.

Half-Breed – Cher

I’ve sworn to secrecy. If you know, you know.

This Had Better Come to a Stop – Falsettos

My favorite song from my favorite musical. I could go on and on about Falsettos, so I’ll save it for another time. I introduced this to my grandma at a time we were grieving over my aunt, and it became a comfort watch since the story deals with the same things (spoiler alert).

Super Rich Kids – Frank Ocean, Earl Sweatshirt

Around 2018 or so my parents got a new car. A relatively nice one. Which was weird for us. It was also new enough to have Bluetooth capabilities, thus starting my professional DJ gig, performing at the exclusive Club Volkswagen. My dad still gets hyped when I put him onto new stuff, so I make sure I tag along with him in the car from time to time.

Ain’t Too Proud To Beg – The Temptations

Okay, yeah. I can’t deny it. Choir was my shit. In high school, I got into the fancy choir you auditioned for after successfully auditioning for the bigger fancy choir. While it was exciting, it wasn’t much of a flex considering I identified as male at the time, so I got in by default. We were a “chamber ensemble” because the director is too pretentious to call it a show choir. It’s understandable and probably has something to do with Glee.

Each year, we’d do a choreographed medley or two. Obviously nothing like Glee. I’m great at choir and musical theater choreography because I have a beautiful smile. Despite this, I was still consumed with fear when I received each capital “P” Phat ass packet of photocopied music. Junior year, however, couldn’t even be scared since the songs we were singing weren’t the usual corny cuts. It was a Motown medley!

I was the sole Black person in the room, so I hyped myself up when it came to which solos I thought I could get. I didn’t see a future in which I didn’t get “My Girl” by The Temptations.

Yeah, a white guy got it.

I can’t stand when people talk about how they were robbed in high school theater things, and I’m not still upset, but I would just like to point out that a white guy got a Motown medley over me. Luckily, I at least ended up with the solo for “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.” Seeing the silver lining, I managed to get myself excited to perform.

Then Covid hit and we never got to do it.

Normal Girl – SZA

This hits so different when you have gender problems. I was with my dad when I saw her live, so I had to act natural and not like I was ready to cry before the lyrics even started.

Blame It – Jamie Foxx, T-Pain

Season two, episode 14 of the previously mentioned series, Glee, is possibly its best episode. Entitled “Blame it on the Alcohol”, the episode depicts McKinley High’s underage drinking problem that quickly spreads to the Glee club, which I’m sure you could have guessed by the title. Though I skip the country song, other covers in the episode include Foxx’s “Blame it (on the Alcohol)”, The Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me”, and “Tik Tok” by Ke$ha.

The cover is easily among the show’s best. Artie (Kevin McHale) and Mercedes (Amber Riley) are my favorite vocalists of the cast, and they really shine on this one. There’s always a second where I’m a little miffed by how Artie is constantly trying to act Black, but then I hear him sing and stop caring entirely. Still, I’ve always maintained the belief that he totally said nigga, and everyone let him because he’s in a wheelchair.

The episode’s entire premise is probably the funniest to me besides the “Grilled Cheezus” episode. Some of my favorite jokes in the whole show are in this episode: Principal Figgins pronouncing Ke$ha as “key-dollar-sign-ha”, Sue Silvester pushing the “chipper homosexual” who coaches a rivaling glee club down the stairs twice, Rachel Berry (Lea Michele) yelling, “it tastes like pink!” after trying a wine cooler…this is the gift that keeps on giving.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road – Elton John

It would be meaningful enough if this had just been the song we performed at the our school’s senior music awards ceremony. But then there’s the added layer of having seen this on Elton John’s farewell tour…yeah, I be cryin n shit.

The Spins – Mac Miller

If you’ve graduated high school since this song’s release, you’ve seen hella Instagram posts including it or its lyrics. Miller mentions on the track that he just graduated high school, plus it has a youthful, summer vibe, so it’s perfect.

(My eyebrows look much better than this now)

I hated my graduation. I didn’t hear any cheers as I trembled to get my diploma, though I found out afterward that I got a good amount. I was especially pissed I couldn’t get my diploma handed to me by my teacher of choice due to the pandemic. Then, once it was time to throw my Simpsons-inspired cap into the air, I immediately started freaking the fuck out. I knew my life was changing in a way I couldn’t control, so I had to leave as soon as possible. I got pictures with two people, I think.

(Mommy, stop reading)

Plus, I lost my gay virginity that night, shortly before a gay heartbreak.

(Okay, Mom, you can keep reading now)

If someone played this around me today, I would black out and attack like an escaped zoo animal. Too many memories.

Moon Song – Phoebe Bridgers

Did I mention gay heartbreak?

This was my song of the summer in 2021. Back at my parents’ old place, I had the teeniest chunk of roof I could sit on to stare at the stars. I would look up into the vastness while listening to Phoebe Bridgers and fearing college, which is an unbearably common experience for the average Zoomer.

Mr. Rager – Kid Cudi

After not being able to tour any schools due to the pandemic, I went with the one that gave me the most scholarship money and let me into their Honors Program: Ohio University. Now that I think about it, being an honors student at a school like OU is giving some “tallest dwarf” vibes. I’m sure you could get in even with an IQ you can count to on your hands.

On move-in day, this was the first song I heard playing on campus. I’m pretty sure someone was playing it on a speaker while playing basketball on the court that was visible from my dorm room. And then I kept hearing it play over and over in random circumstances. Weird.

Athens, Ohio also once homed Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow, who’s a huge Kid Cudi fan, so that could have something to do with it.

Options – Doja Cat

College opens up many opportunities for things you didn’t normally do. I began the unthinkable: walking. I was insanely sedentary my whole life, making this a big change. At first, I was sweaty and cranky and sore because of the late summer heat and hill-forward location, but then I grew to like the serenity and independence. Plus, my calves still look amazing.

“Options” was one of my go-to walking songs, because something about it is just so me. JID’s verse is my favorite part, as it is for many I’d assume since he lowkey eats her up. If I were an artist and got outshined by my feature, I’d probably cut it if I’m being honest. Thank you JID for drowning out the incessant catcalling.

Fetch The Bolt Cutters – Fiona Apple

Last week, I drank alone and listened to Fiona Apple, tearing up at the sole fact that this woman exists. Her depth and artistry cannot be understated, and there’s something so delicate about her discography. Listening to her feels like holding an expensive and breakable teacup that once belonged to someone with a tragic life.

“Fetch the Bolt Cutters” was such an on-the-nose ass pick. There were tall as hills I had to climb daily, and for someone who had only ever worked out to impress a girl, each time I was worried I couldn’t make it to the top for that first two months or so. I would hear the lyrics, “I need to run up that hill,” and be like…so real, Ms. Apple.

Class of 2013 – Mitski

The depressive episode combined with having roommates for the first time made me crazy. I would get irrationally annoyed at them for having friends over sometimes when really I just needed a chill pill on the low. Often when they had people over, I would escape to my go-to crying spot or sit on a bench to call my mom. One fateful day in September, I had to confess to my mother that I had gone from my stable Language Arts and Social Studies Education major to English – Cultures, Rhetoric, and Theory with a then-minor in film of all things. I was felt like an idiot going from something that makes a little yet sustainable amount of money to a waitress with a multi-thousand dollar piece of paper.

The lyrics were all incredibly applicable. At the song’s climax, Mitski near-screams, “Mom, would you wash my back? / This once, and then we can forget / And I’ll leave what I’m chasing / For the other girls to pursue.” Ouchie! I felt it so hard, thinking about my constant need for my mother’s wisdom and pursuing something no one with sense wants to do.

Krakow – Matt Maltese

The British are doing pop music so right. Maltese is an example of this, making mostly pernicious ballads with his vivid writing and incredible vocals. This song in particular was so devasting that I had to hide it from myself on Spotify.

Unfortunately, I rediscovered the song via homoerotic TikTok edit of Tom (Matthew Macfadyen) and Greg (Nicholas Braun) from Succession. I walked in the rain to my crying bench and sobbed so hard I threw up a little.

Dealer – Lana Del Rey

I have a much longer writing project about Del Rey, so I’ll save much of my opinion on her. Let’s just say, I wasn’t crazy about her at this time. That was before she released Blue Banisters. Chemtrails Over the Country Club is so boring it makes me want to burn Lana’s studio to the ground, so this was a welcome change. Blue Banisters feels like its sister album but is a way prettier sister.

“Dealer” is the album’s biggest stand-out track, since it features Del Rey belting her head off. After years of soft, “go girl, give us nothing,” vocals, she finally gave us what we wanted. When she came out with, “I don’t wanna live!” in the chorus, the intensely depressed me grew harmfully attached to this track in an instant.

Coolest fucking bitch in town – Haley Blais

This song to me sounds like the short walk between dorm room and dining hall, all alone. I was starting to do better, but everything still felt cold and gray. At least the salads I put together were bomb af.

Get Free – Lana Del Rey

“Get Free” is another Lana song that’s meant a lot to me. Its hopeful lyrics were exactly what I needed when I later did feel the need to change for the better.

You Know What – N.E.R.D

When someone asks me my favorite song, this is what I tell them. Not saying it’s the best song of all time, but it’s been my favorite for quite a while. This never gets old thanks to Pharrell’s genius.

Chip’s Lament (My Unfortunate Erection) – 25^th Annual Putnum County Spelling Bee

I fucking hate karaoke. It’s so predictable. There’s someone who can’t sing. It’s funny for a minute until it’s very much not. There’s someone who’s amazing at singing and needs the whole room to know it, even occasionally picking a showtune or slow ballad that makes you want to blow your brains out. The only exception is if the individual knows how to sell it, or if both of you are drunk enough to think they’re selling it.

Theater kids have an intrinsic desperation and need for attention, regardless of how big or small your roles were (and yes, there were small roles). When someone else is on 10, proving their singing prowess, you have to try and upstage them. No one who’s done theater is immune. Even I fall victim to the uncontrollable need to be the best singer in the room. I’ll never be the best, but I make a solid runner-up.

Whenever a musical-theater-centric karaoke night arises, this is my go-to song. I eat it up every time.

Hot-N-Fun – N.E.R.D

My party song! I’m a huge N.E.R.D stan. I’ve never seen the music video sober, but I’m pretty sure somebody’s wearing a feathered headdress. Yikes. I’m not going to watch it to confirm because I need to keep the trend of drunk-watching going.

MHM – Vince Staples

This is one of my summer anthems. It’s just so fun. Staples was one of the openers when I went to Tyler, the Creator’s CALL ME IF YOU GET LOST tour, and I got to see this at a point in the night wherein my group decided to steal other people’s seats that were much closer to the stage. At least I got to see my favorite track before we were exiled to our original spots.

Impossible - Travis Scott

“Impossible” was my January. I listened to this a lot on the walks to and from work, observing all the people in their going-out clothes despite the cold. The track is moody and nighttime-appropriate as is the rest of Scott’s discography, and I felt the lyrics, “it’s the time of year I feel alone,” aggressively hard. Yes, I know that’s kinda corny.

Paris, Texas – Lana Del Rey

Another Lana song. Oh God. This one came out in a devastating time in my life, the same week I watched the eponymous 1984 film. I cry upon most listens.

Miss You Much – Janet Jackson

My mom and I listened to this the first and only time we got drunk together. I did the splits, fully imagining myself lip syncing for my life and/or legacy, and tore something. The worst part is that my mom was completely turned away from me, missing the whole thing. My leg hurt for like two weeks.

I would also like to use this entry to clarify that there’s no Michael Jackson on this list because he would take up like 10 spots. I’m Black, so assume all of them are important to me.

Genesis – Grimes

After a college experience tainted by my somewhat-self-induced misery, I finally made friends. I did well in Speech and Debate. Got good grades, with professors that loved me, including one that was so obsessed she made constant eye-contact with me that even fellow classmates pointed out to me. Of course all good things must come to an end, and this one ended prematurely as I had to take off school the next semester for mental health reasons.

Life was boring. I did therapy all day on weekdays, work all night on weekends, and spent those moments in-between dozing off to Pinterest images, counting low-rise jeans instead of sheep.

Then fest season finally came. Every year at OU, each major street gets their own fest, with parties abound. You can tell how much I party based on the fact that I just said “parties abound.” Yet this was my last chance to be wild before moving home and realizing I wasted the last few months masturbating in an attic.

I forget which fest I even went to I was so drunk. I looked super cute, though. Within two seconds of arrival, I lost my group. Within two seconds of that, I found someone who apparently matched with me on Tinder, though I don’t know what I was thinking because I’m not into blondes. She had a bright red hat on that was completely devoid of text, and dear God, I hope someone tells her it looks like a MAGA hat from behind.

I joined her friends and had a great time. I was so intoxicated and ballsy I even offered to kiss a MAN who promptly rejected me. So humbling. It was a time that reminded my neurotic self that it is possible for me to have fun and enjoy myself, even befriend strangers!

Oh, right, the song. I have photographic Instagram story memory. This was the song of the day. Now whenever I listen to it, I think back to the overcast but warm pre-summer day, smelling of beer, being called pretty by random girls. Shoutout Grimes.

I hope this was funny despite the depressing elements. The most depressing part of all is the fact that I know I’ll realize I forgot a song that was super crucial. Whatever. I’m back on my writing grind right now, so if I get my act together, there will be something coming next week. Yay!